"If I Were Justin....."
*I would not allow myself to be featured in BOP magazine (or Tiger Beat, Teen Beat or whatever beat for that matter.)
* I would have kicked the shit out of Carson Daly for hinting at the non-virginal sides of me on Total Request (I mean, come on Carson, there are ten year olds watching this.)
* I would refuse to dance to "Giddy Up" (if you've seen it, no explanation is needed. The visual alone should do.)
* On the same note, I would refuse to sing that song at all (you've heard the song….that should explain it all.)
* I would say "Fuck management" and go public when I have a girlfriend.
* I would wear a wifebeater at all possible times (not for myself, of course, but for the adoring rabid fans.)
* I would let Chris, Joey and Lance sing more.
* I would make JC sing less (and give his parts to me.)
* Once I had enough power to tackle world domination, I would go back and erase all of the episodes of the Mickey Mouse Club that I did when my hair was longer and parted to one side.
* I would try to incorporate the phrase "Single and ready to mingle" into my daily vocabulary.
* I would look in the mirror more often and say, "Damn, I am fine."
* I would stop lying to everyone about everything just because my young, adolescent fans want to hear that I might consider going out with one of them.
* I would admit that yes, I am on steroids. I mean, how else could I have looked like that in the "Tearin' Up My Heart" video when I was only fifteen?
* During "Here We Go," I would refuse to sing the part where we all say "Yes, yes, yes here we go, 'N Sync has got the flow." You know why? Cause it's fucking stupid.
* I would take some English grammar courses, because apparently I don't speak English very well. It's the ebonics….it's not my fault, I swear.
* I would look in the mirror more often and say "God, I am so fine and everyone knows it."
* I would call up my ex-girlfriend, who cheated on me when I was fifteen, and say "Hey baby, look what you gave up."
* I would deny the fact that 'N Sync is a boygroup with the retort "No, we're not a boygroup, we're five serious mature men trying to make some valid music." (Giddyup was a mistake, get over it!)
* The next time I see Carson Daly in a dark alley, all hell is going to break loose.
* I would keep doing that head nod thing that all the girls go wild over.
* I would make sure that none of my future songs included the line "Am I sexual?" Unless, of course, I got to say it.
* The next time JC starts telling me what to do, like he's my father, I'm going to turn around and yell, "Why don't you just shut the fuck up?"
* I would look in the mirror every morning and give myself this pep talk, "Justin, everyone wants you. And remember, you are single and ready to mingle."
* I would keep wearing those sexy glasses that I've been wearing lately.
* I would keep requesting my own video for MTV's Total Request so that it would stay at the number one spot.
* I would take back the fact that I once said that I would like to do a duet with LeAnn Rimes.
* I would chase after those fuckheads Kevin Richardson, Brian Littrell, AJ McLean, Howie Dorough and Nick Carter and kick some BSB ass. I would stop pretending like we got along and unleash my pent up fury.
* I would request that 'N Sync takes on BSB on Celebrity Deathmatch (We all know who would win, of course……me and the guys. No wait, me and Joey. JC, Lance and Chris would be worthless.)
* I would change the name of the group to "Justin, JC….and the other three guys.)
* I would say to management "What the hell is wrong with our videos? They don't make any fucking sense. Can we have a girl in one next time? Please?"
* Speaking of management, I would just fire them all and have Lance take over because he is the real businessman. Maybe then I would see a dime of all the money we are raking in.
* I would refuse to perform at Midwestern state fairs (Yeah I know 'N Sync has to get the name and the music out somehow, but a guy's gotta have some pride.)
* I would look in the mirror more often and say, "God must've spent a little more time on me"
* I would then turn to the BSB and say to myself, "So, that's where he got the extra time."
* Sure, 'N Sync and the BSB have already played a basketball game against each other, but next time I would suggest ice hockey. Then I would check Nick Carter into the boards as hard as I could, crushing his little bones. Then we'd all know who is really better.
* I would then claim temporary insanity at my assault and battery trial, and when asked why I was temporarily insane, I would say that I had been listening to "Everybody" prior to the incident. I would then be acquitted of all charges unanimously.
* I would refuse to do a show that Carson Daly was hosting unless he signed a contract beforehand. Some of the conditions of this contract would be "I will not make fun of Justin, at least not on the air. I promise to try and make it seem as though I have at least a grain of respect for 'N Sync. And I hereby acknowledge that not only is Justin better looking than I am, but he's also smarter, more talented and more interesting." And then I would pretend not to notice Carson laughing to himself as he signed it."
* In twenty years, I would run for president of the United States, because then all of my fans would finally be of voting age, and then maybe I would win. And finally…
* I would look in the mirror more often and say, "Damn, if I were a girl, I'd want me too."